I don't love you, but for some reason I can't leave

I don’t like you. I don’t love you but for some reason I want you around. There’s no reason why I should let you in my life again. All you do is destroy me; sweet poison. It feels great for awhile, and then everything falls apart. Yes, that is exactly what you are. Are you going to beg for me back? I left you once before. I’d like to think I broke your heart, as much as you broke mine. You called me yesterday. All I wanted to do was pick up, and tell you how much I missed you. But, I didn’t. Because I have self-control. At least I think so; at least I hope it will last. I heard rumors you met another girl. I was shattered, but accepted it as just you moving on. I met someone, as well. But, I didn’t move on. I guess first loves are hard to forget. Wait. I loved you? I never admitted that to myself, but I guess it’s true. Damn. We have the same chemistry class, and as funny fate has it- we are assigned to be partners. It took us a moment to get out of chairs, and sit beside each other. It took me two classes to say hello. On the fifth class, we were assigned a project over Jung. It was a presentation for the class as a final. A crucial part of our grade. That meant we had to work outside of class. I tried to give you my number, but you said you still have it. Is it because you wanted to call me? That’s what I wanted. We met for the project the first time at a coffee shop. It was 2 hours before class, and we were in a hurry to find a topic. Finally, we decided on relationships. Isn’t that ironic? I met her on a Monday-your new girlfriend that is. I couldn’t help but compare her to myself. She was blonde, I was a ginger. She was curvy, I am a stick. She’s beautiful, and I’m…well you thought that at one point. I want you to think that again. Why did we fall apart, I asked myself in the late of the night. What did we do wrong? We were a flawed couple, but we lasted the fights, the tension, and everything else. Did he cheat on me? He said he didn’t, but I remember the hushed phone conversations at midnight. I remember the ignored texts; he wouldn’t read until I went out of the room. The paranoia, oh the paranoia! It was horrible. Yet, I got used to it. In fact, I couldn’t remember a time I didn’t feel it. We broke up on a Thursday, a week before I was supposed to meet your parents. I didn’t scream at him, or accuse him. I simply said I wanted space. We did have space for months, until that class. You asked me out today. 8 months of us not being “together” and you asked me out. I wanted to laugh and say “I win! I win! You want me back again. “ Instead I smiled, and said yes, coffee would be great. We kissed at the end of our third date. I felt butterflies. He told me to never leave me again. I planned not to.

I'm an opportunist, not a bad person

II’m an opportunist, not a bad person

A curly haired woman fashionably dressed in business attire walked in with a smirk on her pretty face.
“What did you do now?” asked her best friend and roommate, who was currently on the couch reading the latest “fuck you” letter from her best friend’s ex.
“Nothing. “ She smiled widely. “Just convinced Crybaby Samantha that her job was too much for her-so she quit. And you know the rest fell into place.” She plopped onto the couch next to him, grabbing the letter. “Ugh. Richard again? I thought he was getting married? As in, over me. As in, not sending “fuck you” letters to me every week anymore.”
“Not uh uh. You are up to no good. “He gave her a look. “I thought you said you wouldn’t manipulate people to get your way.”
“It’s not manipulating, darling.” She flashed perfect teeth. “I’m finding the perfect opportunity and seizing it.”
“Ah, the ‘I’m an opportunist, not a bad person’ excuse.” He mocked.
She just laughed in response. “What’s for dinner?”
“What are you going to cook?”
“When do I ever cook?”
“You, darling, are the woman.” He told her.
“You, dear, are a chauvinist. “ She replied.
“You realize we have this fight almost every day, and almost every day- we end up ordering take out? Or going to one of your gay friend’s house on the west sides to have dinner?”
“They are your friends too!” She told him reassuringly.
“They think I’m gay.”
There was a silence.
“No one thinks I’m gay besides them. “
“And your father, darling.”
“What does father know?” He yelled.
She knew she hit a spot. He hates his father. She really shouldn’t be doing this, but there was a storm out, so the internet was probably down. What else is she to do for entertainment? Other people would do the same thing, right?
“The internet providers know all kinds of things.” She said coyly.
Putting on his ‘Bitch, it’s On’ Face, he said “Whatever are you talking about?”
“Say, two straight best friends were living together- and one of their computers was dead. One of said straight best friend gets the other’s computer, and look what one finds….” She paused, knowing she got him.
“Classified ads for a new roommate?” He retorted, refusing to break.
Colin, Colin, Colin, You know I’m the best at this game. Surrender now. Oh, and cook dinner.
“Or classified for m4m-tell me, I’m not familiar in homosexual slang, does that stand for ‘man for man’?” She full out smirked now, all guns loose.
“You’re such a bitch Emma. “
“You know what you have to do.”
“I’m not massaging your funkyass feet.” Colin crossed his arms.
“Cook dinner. 4 stars at least. Start off with a soup. I always crave soup when I’m manipulating. “
Emma reached out for Colin, showing that she’ll never do it in harm to him-because she does that to people. She harms them, without even thinking about it- without them realizing it. She’s that good. She reached out for her best friend afraid she’ll ever do harm-and he?
He hugged her tighter.

A Brother's Love

He sighed wearily, upon glancing at the seemingly comatose woman. She always got like this when she spoke to Mother Dearest. Ha. Their mother was a selfish, alcoholic. What good is she? Yet poor Emma still gave her chances.

Interrupting his inner monologue, she sat up abruptly “That's it! I'm done with her. Mother can go straight to hell. I'm through with her manipulation-and cruel words. “ She scrunched her eyes, struggling not to cry. Then, gathered her strength. “I'm through.” She said with finality.

I saw her sad eyes, determined not to shed tears-not this times; and engulfed my sister in a hug.

She's so compassionate, and sometimes she forgets that she's strong.

“I love you sis.” I told her.
She gasped for breath, what she does before a panic attack-you can blame Mother Dearest for that condition too.
But, she surprised me by controlling it.
Simply whispering, “I love you too.”

Hopes up

“Don’t get your hopes up, darling.” He told her.
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t expect anything. It’s just sex.”
He looked at her in shock; that was his line. Usually, the women cried, begging him to stay at this point.
Grabbing her dress on the floor, she quickly got dressed.
“Oh,” she turned around to address him. “I will call you, if I want more. “
She closed the door behind her.
What did I get myself into?
A few weeks later, she called him at 10 pm. He was supposed to meet her at a coffee shop near her apartment.
When he arrived, she was gingerly drinking a cup of Joe, and texting on her phone. She looked up when he sat down.
“You came.” She said simply.
“Obviously, or I wouldn’t be sitting down.” He snipped. There was something about her that made him ill at ease.
Not at all bother by this, she quirked an eyebrow and said nothing. She went back to texting.
He coughed, not liking being ignored.
This wasn’t how women reacted to him.
He found it enchanting, as well as frustrating.
“Tom, we are going to a party.”
Standing up, he saw that she was dressed in a tight purple sweater dress and leggings.
She was a confident woman that knew she looked good-and used it to her advantage.
Taking her hand, an impulse he didn’t regret, he followed her into the night.
10:40 pm
“What is your name, by the way? I don’t think I ever caught that.” He asked her. They were walking downtown, the street lights illuminating their shadows.
“You never asked. And it’s Christina. Christina Watson. “She grabbed his hand, steering him to a back alley. “Shortcut. “She explained sheepishly.
He stared at their hands, but didn’t say anything.

10:55
A guy with a well-kept beard, and a pin-striped suit showed them into a fancy apartment, leading down the way to the basement.
“My name is Charles, by the way. My boyfriend, Colin, is throwing this party. “The bearded man told them.
“I know Colin, we went to NYU together.” Christina smiled fondly, caught in the memories.
“Awe, Christina. He told me a lot about you. You’re a writer for teen vogue, right?” Charles asked.
“Yes, I fill easily influenced teenagers minds with clothes they can’t afford, and try to slip politics in. It usually works because the editors are dingbats.”
I’m assuming, who must be Colin, shouted “CHRISTINA! Up to your same insulting authority ways?” He laughed heartily and kissed her on the cheek.
Yes, definitely Colin. He thought.
When they reached the basement, they were assaulted by gay men- all of whom seemed to know Christina. It’s like this girl found solace in Gay Men.
It was no matter, he found himself laughing all the same; smiling she threw her head back in laughter. She was so carefree with her glee, unlike his usual dates that covered their laughs, and contained their amusement to seem girly.
He was happy for the moment, and thought of future moments with her.
Then, as all things, it came to an end when her ex-boyfriend came.
I’m handsome, as I have been told by many.
But, her ex-boyfriend? I was starting to doubt my own attractiveness.
He swept in, with all his French glory, his sweet whispers and all I saw was red.
It’s silly of me, to be so jealous when I hardly knew her.
I was satisfied when she slapped him. No one noticed it, everyone was getting drunk,
But, I did, and like a knight, I saved her.

12:33 am
“I don’t know why he came. He wasn’t even invited.” Christina looked likely to scream, but took angry breaths.
I held her hand. We were walking back to the coffee shop, which apparently was 24 hours and served “divine pancakes.”
She looked at me, long and hard.
For some reason, all I wanted was her looks, her staring at me forever.
I kissed her.
The stars were above us, and I was on the clouds.

Drabbles: Don't ask me

She looked at him, the pause in conversation too much to bare at this point.
"Don't ask me what life is like without you, because I won't lie to spare your feelings." She said, simply.
Her Grandmother always said the truth stings before it heals.
With one more look, she walked away.
~~~~
When he was alone, those last words struck him like silent lighting; loud in it's metaphoric clarity.
It's been some time, since they were whole, since the gap was closed- bridges.
It didn't burned, as quick and easy the downfall of a friendship could be.
Instead, the figurative bridge teared, wood splintered, then heavy steps-sharp words escalated to fights, broke it apart; the bridge fell.
~~~
The small creek at the edge of the city, a hidden treasure shared among the two of them, was always peaceful, almost majestic in the sunset.

She pondered of the past, of him, and of them together.
She was curious about the future; what thought of life would be-without someone that completed her so, a puzzle since childhood, that was no more?

She didn't long as she used to; she didn't wish on the stars.
No, she simply looked at the sky, with a life-wise eye, and wondered what laid ahead of her.

*fin*

Of love and therapy couches

Of Love and Therapy Couches
“You bitch! Have fun being nothing in life.” He yelled this at me, before he slammed the door behind him.
All this, because a guy flirted with me at Denny’s. All this, because I smiled back at him. All this, because what? He’s protective over me? Envious? It’s bullshit.
Sighing, I made a decision that might backfire, that might help me, that will change everything.
000
“Call me. “ He called for the second time in one hour. “I need you.”
You say that, but if I come back, you’ll do the same shit all over again.
You say that, and you will still hurt me.
Calm down. Calm down. Calm Down.
000
“Tell me about your relationship with Char. “Dr. Maynes asked me.
“He was perfect. At least, he was…I don’t know what happened. It’s like one day, he was taking a photograph of me in Central Park, and next he was yelling at me and calling me a bitch. “I sighed.
“What are you going to do?” She asked me.
“Leave him, of course. I’m too good for this. I think, maybe I was a bit of a masochist for him. Why else would I take it for almost half a year? I thought, oh he will change; oh most of the time he’s not like that. He’s just having a bad day. I reasoned to myself, that he loves me. But, love, it shouldn’t hurt. It’s supposed to make you better…and he’s making me sick. I can’t take it. Why should I? We’re not married; we don’t have attachments, like children. What is keeping me here? Oh, right. Love. I’m not some stupid girl that is going to ignore logic for the heart. He hurts me, I leave. At least, that’s what I’m doing now.
That’s what I have to do…for me. “I let out a breath. “That’s not selfish, is it?”
“No, it’s not. “ Dr. Maynes told me simply.
“I’m leaving him. I left him. I took all my stuff, and left. Wow. Saying it aloud makes it just more real. “I smiled sadly. “Two years…and I’m done. “
My therapist nodded.
“Life, like love, is funny in a way. You get hurt, and sometimes you think it’s easier to stay down. You dread someone offering a hand, but secretly you wish for it, more than anything in the world. And, then, just a little thing- inconsequential really, happens and you get back up. “
*fin*

In a jiffy

Just a one shot

I was at at dinner, off the highway with my friends.

We were meeting up with my relatives from out of town; we had to show them the way to the city where I live.

"This place stinks." my sister, Samantha complained

"It actually smells like apple pie to me." I remarked cheerfully.
IT did smell like apple pie; all american living and that rot

"Hi, sorry we're late!" my neurotic Aunt Sally took turns hugging us. "Hun, ask for a table! Oh, god. It feels so confined in here. Do I look nervous? My therapist said not to look nervous in public, because it lessens how confident I look." She popped a pill in her mouth, hands shaking.

Samantha and I exchanged a look. Yup. Completely mental, that one is.

"Hun, I found a table! HUN!" Called out my Uncle Steve.
Like my Aunt Sally, he, too was out of his mind.
He didn't understand the art of normalcy; when others politely remarked on someone's weight loss, he would say "So glad you're not fat anymore! Good job!"

We all sat at the table; the menus already there.

"Yum, this omlettte looks delighful!" my Aunt said, clapping her hands.

Samantha and I exchanged another look.

"What do you want, Samantha? Porky, pork"My uncle laughed.

"Actually, I'm pregnant."

There was a silence.

"Really?" my Aunt asked.

"It only seemed logical. Me and Jim both got our degrees, and he should be starting in the firm any week now. A baby is the next step."

"Congratulations!" My Uncle Jim boomed. "You! Bus Boy, get us cake for this young woman who got herself knocked up!"

When the tall blonde turned around, me and my sister looked at each other and whispered
"He's cute."

"Yes, sir. Can I can I take your orders." Was he smiling at me??
My aunt and uncle immediatley launched into their orders, leaving me last

"I would like your banana pancakes, except without the diabetes causing hash browns and eggs, can you give me a big bowl of 'Al famous fresh fruit' leaving out the oranges. I h
ate oranges."

He smirked.

"That sounds like a serious order. I may need your number, just in case."

I nodded very seriously. "You may do. But, seeing as those frat boys are listening to every word, I'll wait until the check. See you Tom."

"How did you know my name?"

"Your name tag is one indication. Ii'm Christina."

"Enough with the flirting, bus boy! I'm hungry and we got a fat woman with a baby on the way!"

"Uncle Jim, I'm pregnant, not fat."

"It'll be out in a jiffy." I laughed."They make me say that."
-
=fin-